3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
so this horse walks into a bar
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.