oh you like road-trips? name every road then
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Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?