Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.