A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea