“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Still my favourite meme.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport