At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what