I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth