On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Flowers bee like
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
my proudest tweet
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.