Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Heroic Misunderstanding
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
why am I working on Labor Day
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer