brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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1.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
🙄😏😂🤣
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with