Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I鈥檓 holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Me: I鈥檓 not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Na mad people full this app… 馃槀馃槀馃槀
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me鈥ell, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes