My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me, reading some of your tweets
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?