Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I have so many questions.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty