“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Its true…
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”