After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
This bar smells like my childhood.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
<- sleeps well with others
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
IT’S-A ME,
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times