[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.