I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?