I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You Might Also Like
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship