Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
This kid will have a bright future.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids