If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Swedish for common sense.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb