Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Always 🥴
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.