Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.