Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
You Might Also Like
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I’m listening
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My biological clock is wheezing.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.