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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
u spoke cat all this time??????
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Just got to our Airbnb!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.