embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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