I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Terribly Tuesday.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.