One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this