13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“