Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.