Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Hello, my name is Pierre.
the answer was staring at me all along
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.