I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You Might Also Like
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
it must be school picture day
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?