“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it