The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.