Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
This has made my week.