You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You Might Also Like
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.