A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.