asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*