“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Rambo Rambow
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef