My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
You Might Also Like
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many