Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
🙁
welp
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.