Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I have a black belt in leather
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]