My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword