me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
crazy
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
You have been warned.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.