Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.