Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
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Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.