True.
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It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google