them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Everyone’s family
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir