When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.