I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
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Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
How to make infinite energy.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain