HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.